30.03.09 Monday
took a day off today to visit kenneth.. jamie picked me up in the afternoon to go NUH together... he was admitted due to the brain tumors in him got worsened.. its been years since i last saw him....
suddenly my secondary school life seemed so fresh.. so clear to me now.. i believed before this, the school life memories is definitely vague to me..

he was the only chinese boy in our homec's class, so of all boys in the class, he is one of the closest to the girls.. remember he used to crack lame joke.. and his smiles and laughter.. and always laughing at me when i laughed.. always trying to make our homec teacher scold me.. always pull me down with him when he got caught for long nails b4 cooking... lolx..those were the young days..

even after we left school, we actually still kept in contact.. organised chalets annually or on birthdays.. or steamboat dinner at Chester's house.. dinners... accompanying them while they play pool.. all sorts......

but, today when i saw him again.. its nvr gonna be the same again..even if we still have the chance to meet up or organise a gathering together..
he cant talk anymore..cant laugh like how he used to laugh anymore.. he cant even express himself.. all he can only do is to make a eye blink to answer yes or no to our questions...T_T
almost couldnt hold my tears.. but i swallowed it all down bcuz i know im not supposed to cry.. i shouldnt be the one crying infront of him and his parents.. it wont be fair to them...
he winked when his dad ask him if he still remember us.. that second i felt so happy.. happy that he still remember us.. happy that at least he knows that we visited him..
but im sad.. bcuz he couldnt even express himself.. its must be so miserable for him.. :-(

sat there..looked at him and all my school life's memory flashed back....
stayed with him for awhile before we leave.. told him we're leaving first, will come back and visit him again... and his dad asked him to wave goodbye to us.. and.. he waved........
omg.. i really feel like crying out loud at that moment.. at that scenario....

WHAT THE FUCK??!!!! why did God created humans and make them sick and tortured and miserable and in the end fuckingly die?!!!! then whats the point of this whole thingy???
he created humans, and he takes them away... why.......
its not just torturing one human being.. it tortures everyone around him too!!! if u say, he's fated to this, he has done something bad in his past life or whatever shit as what the chinese says, so this life he gonna pay it back...but what abt those people around him? what abt their parents? is this what they deserve too??? fate is such a bull shitting thing!!! that goes for the life that humans have too!
its so unfair! its nvr fair at all....not at all.....
its so cruel.. so vulnerable..
i dont wanna be a human being again..if there's so called - "next life"....T_T

smoke-d @
Wednesday, April 01, 2009}