changed my off day from thurs to today.. was feeling pretty sicked last night..but got better today..damn..if i know i guess i wont change my off day bah.. gotta work long stretch after today..

i think grandma was back last night.. saw a moth in the bathroom..(according to the chinese believes).. if it was a green moth or butterfly, i'll be pretty sure that is grandma.. cos there was 1 during the wake..and it appeared twice..

am kinda sad today over some things.. some things which i think its fated for me to find out though i VERY VERY MUCH dont wish to know. i think all Librans are indecisive.. always in dilemma.. ..
i think curiousity kills.. i think fate kills too.. its all .. simply dreadful man... haiz.. though i didnt want to know the truth..i dont want to know the inside-out of people around me.. but at another point of view, it might not be a bad thing. i think it kills all the "hope-cells" in me.. (thats why ppl always says -truth hurts- ya?

and i realise, people dont dont dare/wish to know the truth are just hiding facts. they just dont want to accept and face the facts. well, that was me i dont deny. but, was the "past-me"..
dont know why, i seemed to have change alot esp in my thinking. i think ive turned more optimistic recently..
i remember i was one who used to say "i'd rather not know the truth, and if the truth hurts, i'd rather want u to continue lying to me.."
but now, i think that was a cowardly side of me..
if by knowing the truth hurts people, i think that is 1 gd way to make ppl give up on hopes..esp all the false hopes. thats when people wake up, right?

well i guess all this changes in me..was after sis who needed to leave the family to work in another country and.. of cos..after losing grandma..
after i felt and experienced that kind of pain..and misses for grandma who left me forever.. and secondly, had to be separated from sis..who need to work in a faraway country for dont know how many donkey years...
i realised.. nothing..will be more painful than this. whether be it friends who turned into enemies or couples breaking up.. this is all nothing compared to the above. at the very least, u didnt lose them forever. u can still get to see them whenever u want.. :)

think i'm being more emotional today.
but i know i'm being stronger..after each fall back in life. i will.

nothing is forever.. there's no point in dwelling over matters or things that are fated.. getting upset or torture everyday of ur life doesnt help. it wont bring back what u lost nor solve ur problem. so i guess the only way out is to get over it. time fades away everything..... the only thing that remains are the memories and having memories .. is gd enough.. ....

----the more u ask for in life, the more disappointed u will be. Be contented with what u already have. =)

smoke-d @
Wednesday, March 28, 2007}

its been 2 weeks.. memories of grandma is still so vivid.. and i still dont believe that she had left for another world. haiz.. i miss her especially at night.. esp when im in this room using pc.. cos she used to sleep in this room and whenever i on the lights to surf net..she would scold me for turning on the light.. she would keep nagging..asking me why im still staying up till so late.. asking me to come and sleep beside her.. she was forever asking us to share the bed with her.. but i never did. nvr wanted to share a bed with her(in the past)..honestly.. to think back.. why not? its not like she would eat me up..



just pondering.. will the angels above read my blog and convey whatever i wrote to my grandma? or maybe she's learning english somewhere in the heaven..lolx.. i really miss her man.. can God ever bring her back? even for a day.. there's so many of us who misses her..who cant bear to let her leave.. words cant describe every single bit of my thoughts and misses i'd over the past weeks for grandma.. i hate this feeling of sitting in this room..knowing that she wont ever talk to me or nag at me anymore.. :..(



mom went uncle hse today.. each of us had some old dollar notes grandma left behind.. those very very old notes that she used to collect and liked alot.. and all the money that she left in her bank and everything will be kept for doing her a ritual a year later.. so relieved.. luckily those money didnt end up in the hands of her unfilial sons! or rather "SON" lah cos there's only 1 of them. shall not bring up the topic of bastard.



its so late now and im not feeling bit of tireness.. dont know why.. grandma's still not yet back..(i guess?) didnt feel tat she's around.. freaking sick today. down with the damn flu and my nose is like red and swollen.. tmr still gotta work lor..sian.. plus big aunt is visiting soon.. double sian-sation!



think i shall go lie and my bed and try to sleep..gotta wake up at 8plus later....
:(

nights..angels and wai po..

smoke-d @
Monday, March 26, 2007}

miss her suddenly.. :...( all the memories of wai po flashing in my mind again.. esp during my childhood days.. used to share my soft drink with her.. she always sip few mouths of my drinks.. guess she was around her 80s' then.. guess wad?! she loved to play "5 stones"! used to play with her and she was such an expert lor.. always lose to her.. haiz....... i simply miss her..

wondering... did she came back to find us? i sense her presence..really.. i could really feel her.. the funeral ended in a week..which was like in a blink of time.. how i wish that didnt have to end..how i wish she's still around.. how i wish i could still get to see her again.. can anyone tell me that she isnt gone yet? gahs!! its so fucking upset!! WTF!

its so freaking scary to think of "life & death".. i'd a friend asking me few days back.. what is the purpose of living? to wait upon death? i dont know. wai po is the first kin that left me.. i really cant imagine living days by days and people around me leaving this world.. i dont want to experience this kind of pain anymore.. ...

tmr is the 7th day.. will wai po come home? i heard her on monday and i felt her. though i was kinda afraid but im gonna wait for her tmr!! i know she wil come back de.. and this time i wont shiver anymore..

----- i miss u wai po.... :(

smoke-d @
Saturday, March 24, 2007}

for the first time in my life, i'm experiencing the pain of losing a kin. grandma passed away on Mon, 12.03.07. at one moment, i blamed myself for not being able to visit her..for not seeing her for the last time. and i intended to visit her on wed, which is today and its my off day. but..im late.. too late.. tried to rush down after getting the news from LR.. still hoping to see her for the last time though sis told me that she has passed away..
time waits for no one.. ...
i miss all abt her.. even her yelling and funny conversations with us.. i couldnt believe or accept the fact that she's gone.. and until this morning, i still think that she's just asleep and she will wake up. repeatedly, i asked Lr and my cousins.. "the doctor who came to certify her death didnt examine her right? they didnt check her heartbeat right?" i dont remember seeing the doctor checking.. i really think she is asleep.. till they told me that the doctor did check before i came..and said she's already breathless..
big sis came back from aussie.. to pay her last respect.. though she didnt get to see grandma again..
went thru the .. some traditional ceremony this morning.. i felt my heart aching. expectedly, everyone broke into tears..

i'm getting better now..alot.. grandma's already 94 this year.. guess grandpa has been waiting for her long enough.. its time that we let go.. since grandma has been falling sick for the past few years.. and this might be a relieve for her.

i just missed her.... if i knew that she couldnt wait for me, i would have try all means to take leave to see her.. i would have spend the whole day with her.. :...(

wont be working the whole of this week.. will be going back to the funeral everyday.. and Sat gonna stay overnight there..
thanks alot to all my friends who came to visit today.. Keline, Jocelyn, Peiwen, Xiaoyun and Xueli.. and in advance to the rest and the mj colleagues who will be coming in this few days..

really really hope that grandma will be up there now..with grandpa..living comfortably.. shall continue burning the incense paper for her tmr when i go back to the wake.. i think that's all what i can do for her.. for now.. cuz ...... i didnt really did anything for her when she was still alive....

-----life is too vulnerable for us to wait till we regret when someone left.

smoke-d @
Wednesday, March 14, 2007}

slept another afternoon off.. from 12noon to 6.. borrowed The Prestige home but failed to watch.. will be going to Shin bar later..its weiwen's bday!

dunno why..feel that time seems to be so much slower than usual this few days.. its only FIVE days since sis left.. but.. it just feels like weeks.. until i realise that today is only the 9th.. haiz..
sis called me yesterday.. then asked me to buy "la cheong" the chinese sausage thing when we goin over in June.. hee.. enduring for 3 more mths to pass.. i'm afraid that going there for 5days is too short.. how i wish i can stay there for like 2weeks....
well.. ive a back dated pic to post..taken on CNY.. its me and sis's favourite!
look out for the colour of our shirt!(me, ch, lr)

smoke-d @
Friday, March 09, 2007}

its been 3days..since sis left for aussie.. still missing her..alot! i guess alot of ppl cant understand this feeling.. we are all so close.. dine out on every occasion or birthdays... watch tv together and laughed together. no one will ever understand this feeling unless they had the experience of a family member leaving them for god knows how long?! even my sis also dont know how long she wil take to come back. so in the mean while, she can only come back and visit us on her vacation, else we've to visit her.
right now, i wanna save up more money.. so at least, i can visit her once or twice a year. the first visit will be the coming June! i'm so anticipating to it.. but mommy dont want to go as she say she dont dare to take aeroplane.. so dont wanna force her le as she will even feel nauseuos when taking a long bus or cruise.. :( nv mind, i'll take lots of photos with Sis.. then come back share with mommy..

dad looks so sad lah.. dont know how to console him..but guess time will cure his pain.. sis will be coming back very soon de.. time will pass very fast.. we will always be waiting for us to come back.. :D
chatted with sis on the phone this morning b4 i went to work.. stupid starhub.. didnt activate my overseas phone-calling even after i turned 21 (i was below 21 when i applied for this line). luckily dad still at home so i used his hp..hee.. chatted with sis for abt 10mins.. she was reading b4 i called.. haha.. sound so relax hor.. will be getting a .. dunno wad sunpage calling card.. sis said it will be cheaper for us if we use that to call aussie..

well, im still trying to cope with everything now..and trying to adapt too. meanwhile, i dont wish to think or talk abt other things.
still adapting to sleeping alone..
i admit i was very dependent on both of my sis.. now big sis left le.. i feel so uneasy.
everything was so taken well care when sis around.. dad sick she also can make herbal tea.. always stored tibits and juices at home.. even sanitary pad i must also ask her to help me to buy..
GAHS!!! BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

well now, i guess i only hope for sis to be coping well with her new life, doing good in her studies.. and of cos for the business in the new shop to be good.. or great! so that sis can make enough money le then come home.. i guess no matter how upset we are, sis must be feeling ten times more upset than us.. if we say, we cant get use to her not around, i think she must be feeling tons more miserable than us..
i believe that this temporary departure will bring our family's bond even stronger..closer.. we'll treasure the time spent together much more than in the past.. cos i believe alot of the families outside take family members or the time spend at home for granted..as they thought they will always get to see their family everyday. and never did i expect myself to go thru this now too..

----------i know i have a strong and independent sister. & i love her. :..(

smoke-d @
Wednesday, March 07, 2007}

feeling damn upset.. sent sis off this morning..
i think ive nv been as upset as now b4.. wondering how is she.. all alone...
planning to visit her in June with Pearlyn and Charis.. as well as to celebrate her bday with her..but sis asked us not to go so early as her sch starting in July and the shop is opening next mth. kinda worried for Pearlyn too.. she was crying non-stop..even mom and dad asked me how is she now..
atmosphere at home now is so... weird.. i guess.. dad and mom seems so upset too.... :..(

03.03.07(sat)
woke up at 11am.. accompanied sis to yishun de temple to "huan shen".. then headed to Bugis guan yin temple to pray.. PQ joined us too. after praying, sis wanted to eat Bah Kut Teh.. :) had a CNY dinner at AMK with Qf and family.. food was ok but noisy. headed home aft dinner as sis's friends were coming.. stayed up till 3am.. catch a wink then woke up at 6.30am..
sis told me during the CNY dinner "today past so quickly"... haiz.. ya agreed.. it was like twice faster.. keline bought durians.. Aussie dun sell durians and it is sis's fav fruit.. :)

04.03.07(sun)
reached airport at around 7.15am.. then we went to BK to have our breakfast b4 sis have to check in at 9am. walked her to the departure hall.. then fared goodbye.. all the friends cried and us too.. sis gave us all a hug b4 leaving.. and she cried.. the picture of sis crying kept appearing in my mind..& i cant stop crying thinking of that.. :(
yah and thanks to Charis, who sent my parents to and fro from airport. :)
after sending her off, Bobo send us and Pearlyn back.. exchanged a few sms with Pearlyn just now.. hope she's getting fine..

sis reached aussie in the afternoon.. just smsed her.. she just finished unpacking her stuffs and got settled down. her boss prepared a room for her with a queen-sized bed..all to herself.. so nice.. and they are living in a bungalow lor..so envy man...
well, sis says she will be back in dec.. think that's when her sch's first semester ends..
*praying for dec to come in a blink! cos i miss her.. badly.

smoke-d @
Sunday, March 04, 2007}

• I'm feeling upset.
• I'm confused.
• I'm emo.
• I feel frustrated.
• I feel helpless
• I think i'm going insane!
• I'm becoming a lonesome outta sudden.
• I hate my present self.
• I hate my work and everything around me.

FOR GOD KNOWS WHYY??!!

sigh... there i said "Living in the world called - HELL.. true eh? think im kinda stressed up recently.. well, to the extent that i dont even feel like calling up friends.. or talking at work.. guess my brain gonna crack soon..lolx.. feel like going seletar for some fresh air.. anyone? lol..

26.02.07 (mon)

slacked at home for the whole day.. watched Lost.. sis invited her friends over for dinner.. yah.. the usual..annually.. CNY dinner at my house.. but this year, me and 2nd sis didnt invite any friends over.. after dinner when most of sis friends left, me, pearlyn, charis and both sisss chatted a 'lil.. till 1am i think.. then Charis slept over.. :) that's how another off day passed..

27.02.07 (tues)

were initially off..as planned.. but got so much work to finish..and its already the 2nd last day for the mth.. so went back to work.. didnt help them out or do anything.. just by planning TM and HG schedules, making phone calls.. hiring new staffs.. used up half of my day already.. rushed off at 6pm to meet Lim's family for dinner.. hee..luckily bobby shared the dinner cost with me.. :D sis wanted to buy new shorts to aussie.. and so we headed to Chong Pang..guess wad.. she couldnt find any of her preferred shorts..so they decided to buy body foam..shampoo... then me and big sis bought new toothbrush! so when all of us happily choose our own shampoo and toothbrush and body foam.. then they also happily ask me to pay.. sigh...

total damage for today : $85!! sigh... luckily havent pay dad the $50 for the dinner yet.. haha.. cabbed from TM cost me $15.. those stoopid shampoos cost $20.. knn.. kana "chopped" again..

met up with Mike and Qf for dinner aft work just now.. then headed home str8.. im so damn tired.. have to go HG tmr.. probably to tidy up shits i guess.. :(

--------- 3 more days.. to 4th March.. sis will be leaving for Aussie.. will i miss her? *nodd (-_-)

smoke-d @
Thursday, March 01, 2007}