felt like shit today! haiz.. mood swing+tired+chunliang's leaving & .... haiz..whatever.. did so many wrong things..i realised.. and i hated myself.. for so many reasons..
- hate myself for being pessimistic
- hate myself for feelin' useless
- hate myself for trusting ppl whom i dont think i should
- hate myself for wasting time n effort on ppl who dont give a damn abt anythin at all! who only think for themselves!
- hate myself for being so soft-hearted
- hate myself for crying so easily!
- hate myself for trying so hard to treat ppl around me nicely but i received the vice-versa!
- hate myself for sleeping ...(cant mention here)

just hated everythin abt me! u know..i've nv really hurt someone, be it with words or actions.. but why am i getting it?! its not like retribution or what! if i do so, n ppl do the same thing to me, ok i accept it. but i didnt! its so fucking unfair, GOD! i strongly believes in fate..i believe that wad kinda life i'll be leading, or who i goin to meet, wad kind of obstacles i'll be facing is all fated! & i dont believe in things like "u can change the fate..its all within ur hands. BULL SHIT! hey its not like u want, then u will get it/change it! who can i blame? on my parents for giving birth me? on God for not blessing me? nah..blame it on myself.. i must be a murderer or someone so evil in my last life.. & now, i'm here to suffer..to be punished.. whatever!! I SURRENDER!!! :..(

smoke-d @
Monday, July 31, 2006}

read the new updates of xdd blog..of cos not by her, its by her girlfriend,Ros.. admire both of them so much!! the will to live, the optimistic n positive thinking towards life & death.. but i believe that no one can actually be that strong willed, there muz be times when she felt fragile..or shaken.. but she tried not to show it out to all her dearest for not worrying them.. how much brave n love it was! & her gf.. if i were her, i might have torture myself.. live in dreadful days..or whatsoever.. but she's another brave soul here.. i think the kind of love that they share is the one that everyone hoped for! i believe that xdd is waiting for her in heaven patiently n blessing her n her angel-family... argh! im sooOO distracted from my peaceful atmosphere to write this blog! darn..cuz my father's god-daughter..which is also my god-sister(lolx..lame..) just came... ah anyway she is yelling outside in my living room at her daughter! for not doing her hw.. haha! ok..nowadays the modern mother is so kp! ha~~shouting is no use.. so violent! ok. spoilt my mood for blogging.. my emotions are all GONE! blah! not continuing le! bleh*! (-_-")

smoke-d @
Saturday, July 29, 2006}

argh! i hate mj multimedia.. i want my old boss..my ex manager.. my ex colleagues.. ALL ABT MUSIC JUNCTION(s)!!!! today..Patrick called.. told me that he's leaving.. then i reacted like.. WHY?? THOUGHT U WERE THE ONE WHO ASKED ME TO STAY ON WHEN I TOLD U THAT I FEEL LIKE RESIGNING?? WHY?? argh!! PATRICK U ABANDON US!!!! :( on my way back home..i was thinkin bout all the colleagues of Music Junction.. how much fun then.. it's like..calling every outlet..& knowing every1.. but now..ha.. except for the handful..few.. of us left.. the rest are all new & yet rude staffs!! no courtesy at all! whatever.. cant be bothered anyway.. im wondering how much longer will i stay? 6mths? 1yr? or even longer? haha i really dont know.. definitely im staying till i get bonus from the stingy boss first! rmb that i used to hate company dinner..gatherings with all outlets..etc.. cuz i hate entertainings.. but now..i miss it so much! if only we could gather everyone, i will definitely turn up!! lolx..its always regretting when u've lose it! oh & all my wonderfull colleagues in TM! y'all rocks! though im like quite mean at times..but u guys really brighten up the days when we worked together! not forgetting Tony..always a senior & a mentor to me.. taught me so much things,changed me.. though there were times when we'd different thinking or arguments.. its been like 2weeks..but still kinda weird to actually believe that Tony is not working with us anymore.. and im trying not to even think of it! lolx.. ok i know im not being positive enough..but at least i tried! no matter what, i still hope & wished the best for all..hope u guys find a better career.. with better salary.. better welfare..everything! better than MJ(money jam)! lol.. me..still stucking there..haha.. its like waiting for money to drop from the cloudy blue sky...... no matter what, being happy when u work is the most important of all! hee.. yay! its our gathering tmr again! with all my "angel looking, devils hearted" staffs! hahaha no la they are all nice ppl~! n its Chunliang's day tmr!! he will be drunk in our hands soon!! yes! wen jie.. u're in deep trouble!!~~ lolx! share ya bed with him!!!!! anticipating for tmr to come!! ;)

smoke-d @
Thursday, July 27, 2006}

i hate mondays! especially after my sundays' off.. but anyway i am not workin today too..lolx! so ok lah.. though i feel reali very sian when i woke up! wa lau i really hate this new company's management leh! damn.. so troublesome! stupid boss soooO "CHEENA"(china)!! want us to go to the designated area outside the shopping mall for the offerings to the "hungry ghost" for 7th mth! darn** first time heard this right? yes! we have to go pray..burn papers,joss sticks ouselves! in d past we dont even have to hack care lor! plus, me & my staffs dont even know how to pray! how! the most i did with my mum is only to follow her to go burn the papers! argh! think of the scenario where we burning the papers n everythin makes me feel like laughing.. so idiotic lor! lolx! another thing! chun liang has admitted that he is gay/bisexual!! haha.. all thanks to the curious lee ling! haha! so shocked that she actually asked him "do u prefer guys or gals more"? lol! but the most shocking isnt the question lee asked.. it is chun liang admit! cant imagine.. & lee ling told me that she is goin to get the benedict's number for chun liang! ya the guy working at Tori Q at tm basement 1! they muz be having so much fun @ work yest! i realised that i seems to be giving them some stress at work..dont know why..maybe im over-stressed too.. rmb that i used to hate my sup to give me stress too! but now..haha.. i think i better stop giving them pressure.. except full-timers! cuz they should have the responsibility of sharing the pressure with me! lolx! ok i am anticipating n am soOO excited to get my this mth's pay can! i wanna know how much is the rise!! *prays* i'm using a very optimistic way to look at tis pay rise thing so plssss dont disappoint me!! ;)

smoke-d @
Monday, July 24, 2006}

so freaking tired!! but still decided to turn on my pc to blog(yess..just to blog..)! or else i dont think i wil be bloggin for the next few days ba~~ been in kind of gd mood this few days! cos.. mark told me that boss approve my pay rise ler!! yea.. but..he dont know how much.. ha.. so am actually quite excited n worry too.. wad if the increment is only 50bucks..then i think i'll be so disappointed instead of happy! but anyway, its still a gd news! just went to Xueli's bday..its been sooOOO freeaking long since we last sat down to chat/bitched.. talking abt the old school days.. reminisce so much then! the childish but fun times in sch.. we were like the closest buddies at that time..but as we left sch n grew up..we actually sort of parted our ways! but 1 thing is, we do still keep in touch n still get to see each other during each bday.. wow..i realised i've actually known them for like 8years.. & 8yrs down the road..so many things had happened n i see so much changes in every1 of us! we've gone thru so much!(which i wouldnt want to mention it) and i dont think its a chance that every1 will get..it was then we realised how to appreciate n how much we appreciated each other. till now, i'm so contented that everyone has changed for the better! i do want to say this loudly " u girls left me with great n wonderful memories which i'll nv want to forget!" yea~~& 1 more week.. me n the tm staffs are goin to gather for chun liang farewell..yay! so many gatherings..gd news..! well it somehow helped me de-stress! hahaha! but still abit sad..cuz 1 more person is goin to leave.. haiz..anyway hope tony can join us too!! :) been told by my own staffs - TM STAFFS ROCKS! lolx.. its self-praising but nvm! cuz i think so too! lolx~ ok i think i m beginning to blog rubbish cuz my brain is goin dead soon.. my bed is missing me.. nights!! :)

smoke-d @
Saturday, July 22, 2006}

well its supposed to be "special" for the first blog.. but it aint special.. decided to start blogging today cuz i'm determined to record every single day of my life!(esp after reading xiaodoudou's blog!) yes! as i havent been bloggin( since my 1st blog 1 or 2 years back bt though it only last for few mths! lolx!) i'm feeling kinda weird n awkward typing this blog down! haha.. today's supposed to be happy or i shall say i should everyday.. but kinda feelin down today.. thought i was optimistic n brave but.. i wasnt.. realised i am not tat fine.. arghh! drop it! talking abt it makes my heart feel shattered.. thought i love the weather today.. breezing n drizzling..but dont know why i am feeling cold..or is it bcuz ppl feel cold when they feel lonely? lmao..no idea..... :..( hope i will stil continue this blog soon! shall not be like my previous blog! yes! shall look forward for happier..and interesting blogs in the next few days!

smoke-d @
Wednesday, July 19, 2006}