after reading LR's blog..
it made me miss granny terribly again... dont know why i'd the hunch to eat tau sar pau for lunch today.. i always remembered that i hated tau sar pau when i was a kid.. we always preferred meat pau.. but grandma loves tau sar.. and always asked us to share half with her.. guess thats when i begin to like it..

told yanting when i was eating.. "my grandma used to love this alot... but when she gets older she dont really eat it anymore as she basically didnt have the appetite to eat anything.."

sometimes...she just suddenly appear in my mind.. and i always try my very best to hold my tears..

friends always say.. dont be sad..she's leaving for gd as all her pain leaves her.. no.. i just need someone who can tell me tat she didnt leave us.. she's just at my uncle hse and i still can visit her whenever i want....

i tend to miss her esp after drinking at shin.. always staring at the tv screen..listening to the songs.. and think of all bout her when she was around..
i cannot forget the scenario of the "big head dolls" during the ritual at the last day of the wake.. i couldnt bring myself to accept the fact that they are performing for grandma...

life is so vulnerable.. it is so cruel.. why the hell are we living on this fucking earth.. yet in the end, we'll all have to leave in time to come.. then what is the fucking purpose of living? to experience the pain of losing ur love ones? to see them leave one by one? hell.. really dread the feeling of thinking bout it..

wai po.. if u hear me... really wanna let u know how remorseful i am for not being able to see u for the last time..... how i hated myself for being rude and disrespectful towards u when i grew up as u always doted all of us when we were young..
i regret for being angry with u when u always nag or talk funny..
i regret for shouting at u sometimes when u couldnt hear what i say..
i regret for ignoring u when u talked to me..
i regret for not wanting to share ur bed with u..though u always attempt to persuade us to..
i regret for not visiting u when u were staying in sembawang..
i regret for not cherishing u when u were still around..
i regret to offer my cigarettes to u cos i think u might have lived a 'lil more without smoking those ciggies.. even it is for a few more days..
i regret for throwing temper at u when u tried to wake me up for sch/work..
i regret for hating u when u pee in the kitchen then i accidentally stepped onto it..

"regret" is something that always come late.. too late for us to try to amend for someone.. thats when ppl say the word..

but if im given the chance.. again.. i'll really really love her and not taking her for granted again..
i will not scold her for her silly actions again..

remember she was sick one time and only me and mum was at home.. so mum asked me to carry her to the nearby clinic.. wanted to piggyback her but she's scared.. on that same day.. i rmb i felt damn sad..for seeing her so sick.. and i fed her lunch at home.. cried while feeding her.. then i see her eyes also turned red and watery.. think she muz be feeling touched at that moment too. it was my 1st time.. using a spoon to feed her.. sigh............

好想你
因為沒有了你﹐世界好像都變灰了
時間奪走了我心愛的你﹐也讓我永遠的失去你。。。
敬愛外婆的我﹐卻等到失去了她﹐才發現我會如此惦記著她。。。。

smoke-d @
Friday, April 13, 2007}